i… found your tumblr, son. welcome to the force here's your gun/badge your first case is "who's grounded" it's you turn in your bagde & gun

is there anybody out there [static] i repeat [static] can eat too much pizza [screaming and crying] we were wrong [static] pizza [static]

oh, great, i fell into a sarchasm. noo, i’m just FINE, and my bones aren’t broken at ALL, having SUCH a good time down here

No! I just got bit by a Dad. I feel the transformation starting *goes to Home Depot & buys materials to build a deck* I'M GONNA BUILD A DECK

if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door

"carlos did u put youre shoes on the right feets today" YES DAD LEFT AND RIGHT "on YOUr feet son?" ..DAD THIS IS THE WRONGEST I EVER GOT IT

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS ＴｈｅＣｏｌｏｓｓａｌＰｉｌｌａｒｏｆＷａｓｐＥｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

1)sit in toddler seat of a shopping cart. 2)tip over til feet touch the ground. 3)stand up. you're now a grocery turtle. no one can stop you

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"